The Upstream Independent Fiction Review

The Weight of Blood (The Half-Orcs, Book 1) by David Dalglish

2011-09-22T13:51:00.000-07:00

Many years ago, Mr Upstream was driving through Indiana on his way to a Labradoodle convention in Columbus, and was listening to the radio. A DJ was interviewing John Cougar Mellencamp, and giving him hell about the awfulness of his very first album (as an aside, what the hell happened to you, Johnnie?)

Now John told the DJ that he'd grown since then, yadda yadda, and that he'd learned pick the good fruit, not just the low-lying fruit. He also said he wished he could buy up every copy of that first, wretched album.

David Dalglish never heard that interview.

The Weight of Blood is, apparently, Dalglish's very first novel. He's gone on to write a bunch more (The Half-Orcs is a five book series, and he's got at least two other novels out there).

The Weight of Blood is, well, bad. It's not The Kingdoms and the Elves of the Reaches bad -- but then, what is? But it's bad. Bad in a way that makes you throw the book across the room, then curse because that was your ebook reader kind of way. Cardboard characters? Check. Generic, derivative world building? Check. Dialog that is the spiritual equivalent of cold, lumpy oatmeal? Check. And the best part? Of the two main characters, the likeable one is a serial child killer.

All of which might be forgivable in a first novel, if the author, you know, repented of his sins, the way Johnny Cougar did. Instead, Dalglish puts it out there for free, as an intro to his body of work. That's like Mr Upstream telling the world, "Hey, come bump uglies with me, it's free and you only get syphilis the first time!"

I despair.

The Panama Laugh by Thomas S. Roche

2011-09-21T18:34:00.000-07:00

"High above me, I heard a laughing scream and the hiss-whistle of incoming ordnance: a preadolescent projectile coming down fast, cackling, trailing streamers of goo and a long trail of ropelike intestine. It was not going to hit me but I fired and fired and fired until the slide locked open and poured smoke. It pulped on the rocks and did nothing but squirm; all its bones were thoroughly broken."

Thomas Roche (2011-09-05T04:00:00+00:00). The Panama Laugh (Kindle Locations 853-856). Night

Shade Books. Kindle Edition.

And that, my friends, is why you should never fire zombies from catapults. As cool as it sounds, it's really not terribly effective.

There's a lot Mr Upstream could say about The Panama Laugh, but right now he needs to take a nice hot shower and suck down some rum. So he'll just say that The Panama Laugh is worth your time. Unless, you know, you're one of those readers with a stick up your ass who doesn't get why the zombiepocalypse would be freaking hilarious.

Mr Upstream is back

2011-09-21T17:51:00.000-07:00

Has it really been two years or so? Wow. Mr Upstream was not allowed to blog in prison, though he was allowed to read. So he has a lot of reviews to catch up on.

He also needs to catch up on what's been happening in the literary world. Borders closed? Everybody is reading ebooks? Jeebus.

Mr Upstream would probably have been back sooner if he hadn't told the parole board to 'Sit and spin, but you'll have to take turns 'cause I only got two bird fingers for ya.'

Mr Upstream will also miss his special friend, Hector.

Queen of the Orcs Trilogy by Morgan Howell

2009-04-12T05:39:00.000-07:00

Morgan Howell is not the author's real name. If Mr Upstream had had written this trilogy, he'd have changed his name as well.

Mr Upstream could give you a very detailed synopsis of each of the three books, and talk about the interesting correlations between Howell's orcs and various North American Indian tribes, but in the end all you really need to know is this: Read the first book to see how to bring to life a non-human sentient culture. Read the next two books to see how to make an utter hash of characterization and motivation of anyone without green skin or black teeth, and how to make readers frustrated beyond belief.

The human characters in books two and three weren't even cardboard. Cardboard is sturdier. It reminded Mr Upstrean a little of The Grapes of Wrath, where the Okies were lovingly, intricately detailed, and you really felt their humanity, but the California bosses were cheap die-cut villains.

Mr Upstream wanted to tear these books apart, but when it came down to it, Mr Upstream mostly just felt sad at the wasted potential of the books.

Mr Upstream is now going to lie down with a bottle of rye and cry himself to sleep.

Nice to be back from 'vacation'

2009-04-11T07:10:00.000-07:00

Mr Upstream was away. Bet you didn't notice.

Don't wory, Mr Upstream will soon be posting more independent reviews. As soon as the restraining order expires.

The Lion of Farside by John Dalmas

2006-05-31T16:46:00.000-07:00

Mr Upstream does indeed like genre fiction, but in this case he is willing to make an exception.

John Dalmas can write. His characters are well thought out, and honestly portrayed. He can write an action scene that is at once believable and exciting. He excels in dialog and description. Why then is 'The Lion of Farside' such an appallingly bad book? Mr Upstream has been trying to figure that out for weeks.

It's a bit of a case of Frankenstein's monster. You can chop up athletes and movie stars and models, harvest their perfect limbs and organs and stitch them together with the greatest of care, but at the end of the day, you still get a lumpy, mismatched monster that people call an 'abomination'. Mr Upstream should know. Boy, howdy.

Aunt Erma's Cope Book by Erma Bombeck

2006-05-12T08:14:00.000-07:00

I remember when I was younger (ok, when I was in my 30's, and still living with my mother) Mom used to laugh and laugh whenver she read an Erma Bombeck book, or saw Erma on a talk show. I remember thinking 'what the hell is she laughing about? Is her extreme corniness a latent DNA trait that will show up when I'm an old coot?'

The other day I was at the flea market and saw 'Aunt Erma's Cope Book' and I just had to find out if time had warped me sufficiently to enjoy Erma Bombeck. According to the back cover, 'Cope Book' spent 7 months onthe New York Times Best Seller List. Maybe it's my sense of humor that's off, I thought.

I think it was passages like this that vaulted Aunt Erma to best sellerdom:

The T-shirt craze had clearly gotten out of hand. In one day alone I encountered three propositions, four declarations, two obscene suggestions and a word so bad I stopped the car and threw a blanket over the girl's chest.

Mother was with me one day when I stopped for a traffic light and a healthy blond with jeans so tight herhipbones lookedlike towel hooks crossed in front of the car. Tucked inside was a T-shirt that read in large, bold letters SPACE FOR RENT. We didn't say anything for a full minute. then Mother observed, "You can say what you want, but she certainly is well read."

[Please note that Mr Upstream spent a full hour and a half typing that passage in, as he was laughing so hard he had spasms] Oh, the things that Mr Upstream does for you.

Final verdict: One needs to be post-menopausal and stuck in 1979 to enjoy Aunt Erma. That gap between her front teeth is still adorable though.

Technorati Tags: Erma Bombeck, Aunt Erma's Cope Book, Books

How Opal Mehta Got Kissed, Got Wild, and Got a Life by Kaavya Viswanathan, Megan McCafferty, Meg Cabot, and Sophie Kinsella

2006-05-11T06:50:00.000-07:00

Did these idiot publishers really expect a 17-year-old to be able to write a sustained, meaningful (and Mr Upstream uses that term in a very loose sense--we aren't talking about Shakespeare, here) novel? They never bothered to read other successful examples of the genre? Did this girl not have an editor?

"Well, she goes to Harvard, so she must have a brain and the integrity not to plagiarize (several) other authors, right? let's give her a two-book deal, shall we?"

Morons.

Mr Upstream doesn't blame Kaavya. If Mr Upstream had managed to hoodwink Little, Brown & Co. at the age of 17, Mr Upstream surely would have. No, Mr Upstream blames the hack editors who should have been going over her work with a fine-toothed comb before it ever went to the printer.

Mr Upstream also thinks Kaavya is kinda cute in a jailbait, snooty Harvard plagiarist bad girl kinda way...

The DaVinci Code by Dan Brown, Dan Brown's Wife, and some other crazies who won't see a penny

2006-05-10T20:16:00.000-07:00

You've already read the book. Now let Mr Upstream tell you what you should think, as you obviously haven't got a clue judging by Dan Brown's bank account:

It's shite.

Mr Upstream couldn't care less about whether people think the Catholic church has been covering up some ultra-super-dooper-secret about the J-man and his followers. Mr Upstream was morally, spiritually and ethically offended by the cardboard characters, the grinding plot and the thoroughly wooden dialogue.

Repeat after me: This book sucks, and having Tom Hanks in the movie won't change that. Dan Brown should be flogged as poetic justice for what he does to words.

Please note:

2006-05-10T20:06:00.000-07:00

Mr Upstream doesn't give a rat's ass whether you agree with him or not. No, really.

Welcome!

2006-05-10T06:56:00.000-07:00

Welcome to the Upstream Independent Fiction Review, where Mr Upstream reviews fiction. Independently. Sit back, relax, and let Mr Upstream separate the crap from the readable, so you don't have to!