Thursday, September 22, 2011

The Weight of Blood (The Half-Orcs, Book 1) by David Dalglish

Many years ago, Mr Upstream was driving through Indiana on his way to a Labradoodle convention in Columbus, and was listening to the radio. A DJ was interviewing John Cougar Mellencamp, and giving him hell about the awfulness of his very first album (as an aside, what the hell happened to you, Johnnie?)

Now John told the DJ that he'd grown since then, yadda yadda, and that he'd learned pick the good fruit, not just the low-lying fruit. He also said he wished he could buy up every copy of that first, wretched album.

David Dalglish never heard that interview.

The Weight of Blood is, apparently, Dalglish's very first novel. He's gone on to write a bunch more (The Half-Orcs is a five book series, and he's got at least two other novels out there).

The Weight of Blood is, well, bad. It's not The Kingdoms and the Elves of the Reaches bad -- but then, what is? But it's bad. Bad in a way that makes you throw the book across the room, then curse because that was your ebook reader kind of way. Cardboard characters? Check. Generic, derivative world building? Check. Dialog that is the spiritual equivalent of cold, lumpy oatmeal? Check. And the best part? Of the two main characters, the likeable one is a serial child killer.

All of which might be forgivable in a first novel, if the author, you know, repented of his sins, the way Johnny Cougar did. Instead, Dalglish puts it out there for free, as an intro to his body of work. That's like Mr Upstream telling the world, "Hey, come bump uglies with me, it's free and you only get syphilis the first time!"

I despair.



Wednesday, September 21, 2011

The Panama Laugh by Thomas S. Roche

"High above me, I heard a laughing scream and the hiss-whistle of incoming ordnance: a preadolescent projectile coming down fast, cackling, trailing streamers of goo and a long trail of ropelike intestine. It was not going to hit me but I fired and fired and fired until the slide locked open and poured smoke. It pulped on the rocks and did nothing but squirm; all its bones were thoroughly broken."

Thomas Roche (2011-09-05T04:00:00+00:00). The Panama Laugh (Kindle Locations 853-856). Night
Shade Books. Kindle Edition.

And that, my friends, is why you should never fire zombies from catapults. As cool as it sounds, it's really not terribly effective.

There's a lot Mr Upstream could say about The Panama Laugh, but right now he needs to take a nice hot shower and suck down some rum. So he'll just say that The Panama Laugh is worth your time. Unless, you know, you're one of those readers with a stick up your ass who doesn't get why the zombiepocalypse would be freaking hilarious.

Mr Upstream is back

Has it really been two years or so? Wow. Mr Upstream was not allowed to blog in prison, though he was allowed to read. So he has a lot of reviews to catch up on.

He also needs to catch up on what's been happening in the literary world. Borders closed? Everybody is reading ebooks? Jeebus.

Mr Upstream would probably have been back sooner if he hadn't told the parole board to 'Sit and spin, but you'll have to take turns 'cause I only got two bird fingers for ya.'

Mr Upstream will also miss his special friend, Hector.